Weeds or Wildflowers?

[Broad Meadow Brook Wildlife Sanctuary; Sept. 17, 2006]

In the past few years I had a hard time keeping enough freelance projects coming in. I had spurts of intense work, stretches of no work, and days with bits and pieces to do that was just satisfying enough. Same with socializing, to some extent. Mostly I had a lot of time on my hands. This can be good creatively, of course. It can also lead to ruminating and obsessing, fantasizing about what doesn't exist, and in the long stretches between work feeling useless or in the stretches between seeing friends or lovers feeling uncared for or disconnected.

My life is much more full now, and in many ways more satisfying. But it's also frequently exhausting. This past week I had a good project at work to sink my teeth into, I had a dinner date on Tuesday evening (preceded by a lovely walk by myself in the woods at the Habitat Wildlife Sanctuary - unfortunately it's getting a bit too dark after work to do this much longer), Wednesday night I saw Maddy to get my hair done (at least now I work not far from the salon), Thursday night I had my first salsa class(!) followed by a phone date, and Friday night I mostly crashed. There were also all those hours commuting.

This weekend I'm kicking myself for agreeing (oh like back in July) that I'd finish up a project for a former freelance client and he's been putting it off for weeks and now he needs it done. So I'm still supposed to do that this weekend. I'll be off on a business trip for my job Tuesday-Thursday and I spent part of yesterday at the outlet malls looking for a suit jacket and decent shoes since I don't normally have to dress up for work (nor, I can assure you, did my former work-from-home attire involve a suit). After the luxury of a nap in the afternoon, I drove down to Providence last night to meet my friend CA for a margarita and tamales on Federal Hill, which was great fun (also dropped in at Gallery Z and had a nice time chatting with Bérge, the gallery director).

I need to call my parents. I need to wash my hair (last done at the salon on Wednesday!). I need to catch up on an episode or two of Lost (2nd season) on my housemate's boyfriend's DVD or lose access to it (I know, a great tragedy). I need to get in some exercise even though it's raining and 50 degrees out. I need to visit the TSA site and figure how both what to pack and how. I need to write a long-neglected blog post (check). I need to find out what everyone else has been posting on their blogs but the cursory read-through I'd be able to give seems insultingly inadequate.

It was cold in my bedroom when I woke up one morning this week. I had the window cracked open and it was in the low 40's out. I was dreaming about snow. Then I started thinking about the commute when snow comes. Gads.

One weed to pull at a time, one wildflower.

Comments

[marja-leena]

This si a wonderful report! "My life is much more full now, and in many ways more satisfying". It's good to hear that you are seeing your glass as half full rather than half empty, if you'll pardon the cliche. Keep on enjoying it and take care!

[leslee]

Thanks, Marja-Leena. Full is not always a good thing (like overeating, sometimes you need time to digest things). Somewhere there's a happy balance!

[Sara]

Oh, good for you! (Nice, picture, too. And yes, that question, weed vs. simply native, is the basis of an ongoing argument I have with myself over the garden, constantly. I compromise. I leave whatever I think is pretty and don't allow it to take completely over, which it has plenty of opportunities to do across the street, on the railroad easement.)

Hey, FYI, I went to the DeCordova today. I was shocked to discover that they're charging admission to the park now (it's been a couple of years since my last visit), but I sort of understand why. I hope it pays off for them. The place already looks healthier, plant-wise, and more polished and accessible, though some of my favorite pieces are gone (unless they moved and I missed them; quite a few things have moved).

I loved Going Ape, though not everything. (Of course, one of the things I love most about the DeCordova is that it is a given that I will not love everything it shows me, but that everything it shows me will make me think and feel, usually quite outside of my everyday complacencies.) I don't love one of the assumptions projected onto the art by the curators, that "we" (as in all of us) have anxiety about animals. Also, I can't say I love appropriation-based art, no matter how beautifully executed, and feel strongly that sarcasm and satire do best in only the most ephemeral of media (which, to be fair, a lot of it here was). For me painting is holier than that, as a process and as a finished product, and I like things to be wholly original, insofar as that is possible, even if they don't completely invent their own style, and even if they tip their hats to achievements of other artists. But I loved much about this exhibit, starting with those wonderful ink paintings of squirrels and birds by Catherine Hamilton (I am dying to know her technique) and ending with that hilarious film about the dog gene drug, La vie d'un chien (and yes, I do think it's extra funny because it's in French). Thanks for the heads up.

[leslee]

Yeah, those Catherine Hamilton paintings were incredible. We stood nose to painting (with reading glasses) for a long time trying to see what she does since it looked so much like lightly brushed charcoal, not ink. Amazing work. I missed the film - damn. I was on a first date and had just too much input and too many things to think about - we skipped the film. Maybe I'll go back while the exhibit is still there.

I didn't like it all either, but as you say I like that my mind gets pulled like taffy and I have to think about how I really feel about various pieces. Good to go with someone similarly inclined to be open and think about things not simply react.

Glad you had a good visit there, and thanks for sharing your responses to it!

[Beth]

Leslee, it was good to read this and catch up with where you are at these days. Sounds good, and tiring, just like you say! I'm glad you're giving yourself some R&R and enjoying it, and glad you've got the steady work. Don't think about the snow yet, OK, or I'll have to!

[mary]

Leslee, first off, don't worry about tbe blogs. We'll be here waiting.

Enjoy the fullness. Rest when you need to. Easier said than done I know ....

[MG]

I know how you feel (I think), having just started a full-time job myself after years of freelancing. I miss the relative freedom (and short commute) but not the uncertainty -- or the skeptical looks I used to get when I told people what I did. This isn't a country that's particularly supportive of self-employment.

[leslee]

Beth: Yes, let's not think of the s-word yet. I know you're likely to see it before me.

Mary: Thanks. Just got back from the business trip. I think by Sunday I'll get some rest!

Michael: You took a job, too? I never thought I would, but I guess I was ready because I'm enjoying it - except the commute, of course. I didn't get a lot of skeptical looks because, well, I never saw anyone. (kidding) I do know a fair number of other freelancers, so that helped. But yeah, there's not much support for it.